Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
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“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
President The Rock Obama
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
So many homophobes turn out to be secretly gay that I’m nervous I’m secretly a giant spider
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.