me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
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The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
lmao
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming