Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
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yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
The Book. The Movie.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.