[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
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doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
don’t we all
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
at my local diner ordering eggs “gorilla” style and refusing to explain further
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Cinematography is my passion