Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
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Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
i wish we could shoplift online
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”