I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
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[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain