[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
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Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young
Stop being racist to kettles.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.