Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
You Might Also Like
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
selfie game
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.