ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
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Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes