Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
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FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
This is I, Robot all over again
I think I’ll stand
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.