I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
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my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.