LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
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Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter