If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
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2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!