So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
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You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
your honor my client chooses dare
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window