Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
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[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*