i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
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I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
The old gods are rising again.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Mummies are just super modest zombies
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.