My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
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You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
*literally any business fails*
journalist: ahh yes, the millennials
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!