[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
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boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.