Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
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I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.