just gave my 5yo power of attorney
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My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet