[At the car dealership]
Me: See, this has everything I want, right here
Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale
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what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.