My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
You Might Also Like
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.