My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
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How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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The second world war should have been called world war returns
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.