“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
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Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
AA MEETING
Chairman: Please, introduce yourself
Eminem: Hi! My name is..
C: What?
E: My name is..
C: Who?
E: Hi! My name is..
C: Huh?
My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh