ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
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Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”