The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
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4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!
*tries*
4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?
She’s not the first to ask me that.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Imagine having a party on purpose.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me: