According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
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[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
…u ok Nintendo?
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite