I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
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there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉