whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
You Might Also Like
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball: