Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
You Might Also Like
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.