In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
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Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
[Texting]
Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?
Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing
Him: That’s hot
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 馃ズ
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that鈥檚 impossible to wash away?
Waiter: hi I鈥檓 Dave and I鈥檒l be taking care of you
Me: I鈥檝e been hurt before, dave
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
60% of Americans? That鈥檚 almost half. 馃檪
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Rich people don鈥檛 buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it鈥檚 not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.