Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
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Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
We cut our bangs at dawn.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.