my retirement plan is braless
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Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair