My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
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“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
guilty
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
My therapist said I need to stop listening to Ke$ha on my iPod and start acting my age.
So I bought Ke$ha on vinyl.
Tik Tok.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
meow
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date