*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
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YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
having children is a pyramid scheme.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.