People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
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Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!