“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
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-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
sigh
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes