jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
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pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Nose
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I identify as an antique shop.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.