Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
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[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.