when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
You Might Also Like
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”