cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
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I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
oh my gosh!!
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe