Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
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[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠