{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
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A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Me: Let’s go shopping
Him: Let’s stay home
Me: Let’s talk about our feelings
Him: Let’s go shopping
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
no their not
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat