Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
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Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
*Seductively hides in the woods
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.