My loaf of bread looks terrified
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Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she鈥檚 not ready for… best 27 seconds we鈥檝e spent together recently.
Life hack
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
at ease…shoulder.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Ra煤l Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
I鈥檓 keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I know this now 馃槀
Me: Your wifi isn鈥檛 working
Dad: Well, it鈥檚 right next to you!
Me: Yes it鈥檚 obviously something I鈥檓 doing wrong. I鈥檒l wifi harder
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
2022 be like
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
There鈥檚 a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won鈥檛 be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.