It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
You Might Also Like
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
This hospital has everything
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”