SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
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*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready