Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
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I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.