Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
You Might Also Like
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that