Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
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During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.